Thursday, March 12, 2009

Who we are....

Have you ever met somebody who changed who you thought you were??? I know that every new person we meet or get to know, changes us in some way. Sometimes its a small change, like a "view" on a certain subject.. Sometimes its an idea you thought you had about something or someone.. Sometimes its a change that you never could imagine was possible.
Most people believe they know who they are, what they want, and what they believe in. Most people are pretty confident in who they, even if they are not comfortable with what they are. Most people have slight changes over time that essentially continue to develop the "same person" they have always been. Some people have major incidents that incite a major life change. Some of it is good and some of it is bad. But you never really expect to meet someone or reconnect with someone who totally throws your whole "system" off.
What does that mean? What does it mean when another person changes you so much? And why does it always have to happen at the most "inconvenient" time in your life. How do you handle that?
Most decent people believe the decisions they make in life to be the right choices for them. That doesn't always mean that the right choices for them are always based on them alone, sometimes its based of a significant other, family members, and especially children. Either way, you believe you are doing what is right for you. Sometimes it doesn't pan out and you then alter the decision you make but normally in the end you feel you are in the right place at the right time.

Recently, I have been "changed".... and I dont know what it means, and I dont know what is to come of it. And not knowing, is the hardest thing for me. I go on day in and day out, thinking I am right where I need to be... thinking that I am gonna end up right where I want to be. And I know unexpected things happen and can change that path. But ulitmatley, when you start a job, start a relationship you believe it is going a to be a "certain way". Like I am a hairdresser, thats what I went to school for, thats what I am good at, and majority of the time I really enjoy it... or in a relationship... you believe you know your partner, what your partner wants and where the 2 of you will end up, old and married, and hopefully still happy. And sometimes you dont realize you have made the wrong decision untill much later in life but you make a new decision and move on.
But what if thats not me? what if who I think I am is not really who I am? I dont mean that in an "extreme" way, like I have been faking who I am for 25 years, but in a way that could really really make you happy. Like that "dream" you have always had for your life... but how do you know thats really what you want? HOW DO YOU KNOW!! Most people say "you just know" and I would have totally agreed with that up until recently. Now dont misconstrue this with "doubts" about my future plans, because no matter what my ulitmate future plans stay the same. My future plans are to be healthy, happy, and to share my life with people just as deserving as I. What I am getting at is, what if what I thought was making me happy really isnt? What if what "i have always wanted" was more or less forgotten about and not changed? What if who I thought I would become really isnt what I want to become?? And by no means am I miserable, but what if I am really not as happy as I thought??? And how do you know when things are to good to be true??? Is there really such a thing? Why can't you really JUST KNOW? Why does it take someone else or something else to remind you of what you really value and of what you really enjoy? Why did that person have to be "invisible" for so long? Maybe its because they were still developing themselves? Maybe I was/am still developing? And why does it happen at a time like this? What are you supposed to do? How are you not supposed to hurt other people to make yourself happy? And how do you break the news to people you love and people you have cared about for a long time? There are to many questions and not enough answers...
Bottom line : what do you do when you realize that you dont have to change or alter majority of the things important to you, and that there is someone else exactly like you thinkin the same things? I know the "duh" answer.. but what if its not that easy? is it that easy? how do you know!!!! The only thing I do know, is that no matter what happens or how it happens, that this new person NEVER goes away... no matter what...

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